Amanda's A-Musings

2010-12-09T14:53:00.002-06:00

"I don't know what I believe until I preach it."

An episcopal scholar and priest said those words when she spoke to one of my classes this semester. I haven't been able to get it out of my head ever since, perhaps because I am finding it increasingly true for myself as well. I've always considered myself an "verbal processor," which is to say that I like to think through things and arrange my thoughts by explaining it to someone else. (Side note: this provides me with another opportunity to realize just how lucky I am to be married to my husband. He is the one most frequently tapped to be my conversation partner, and he patiently agrees despite the fact that he'd probably like to do something besides listen to me ramble).

And perhaps this has stuck with my all the more since graduate education has this important but frankly disconcerting tendency to disorient you, to cause you to question. I'm thankful for this . . . most days. But occasionally I nearly long to return to a time when I didn't have SO MANY questions, if such a time ever actually existed. I long some days to lose the awareness that things are not as simple as I once thought and that life, ministry, relationships, and faith are inherently beautiful and magnificently complicated. I long for a time when I (mistakenly thought) I had it all figured out. (Side note: I don't really want to regress. I really don't. But some days, especially days at the end of long semesters like this one, it appeals to my tired self).

Next semester I'll be teaching a freshman Bible course over the life of Jesus. And so I'll have the perfect opportunity to work out for myself again what I believe, since three days a week I will face a class of forty and "preach it," so to speak. In preparation for that, I hope to post some preliminary thoughts, ramblings, and ruminations here. A test run of sorts.

And today, I take heart in knowing that Jesus sent out people to preach the gospel who weren't always sure what they believe and who weren't always right. Otherwise, I'm not sure how many of us would qualify. I am sure I wouldn't.

Golden Oldies

2010-08-05T08:31:00.005-05:00

I have always held a special place in my heart for the older hymns of my childhood. Perhaps there is some level of nostalgia involved. Still, one of the reasons they resonate so deeply with me is that I frequently find more theological richness in them than the 7-11 (seven words, eleven times) songs I am familiar with. With some, like the one below, I find a refreshing acknowledgment of the Christian community, which seems quite opposed to more contemporary verses like "He took the fall, and thought of ME above all." I appreciate a balance between the two, if for no other reason than it seems, well, more biblical.

Occasionally, I'll have a song pop into my head and hang out a while, often one that I have not sung in years. The amazing thing is that the reason for the presence of that song with me usually becomes clear in a few days, becoming remarkably applicable or comforting in a situation that arises. I found myself humming this song, "Father Hear the Prayer We Offer" just over a week ago. Within a couple of days, I was powerfully reminded again of the difficulty and occasional pain so often a part of a minister's life. I was reminded again of the difficulty of the path I am on, one that I walk by a clear and inescapable calling. And in this song I found challenge and comfort - challenge to pray not for ease or comfort but for courage and strength. Comfort in knowing that the Father, whose power is made perfect in weakness will be by the side of those who serve him.

Father, hear the prayer we offer:

Nor for ease that prayer shall be,
But for strength, that we may ever
Live our lives courageously.

Not forever by still waters
Would we idly, quiet stay;
But would smite the living fountains
From the rocks along our way.

Be our strength in hours of weakness,
In our wanderings be our Guide;
Through endeavor, failure, danger,
Father, be Thou at our side.

Let our path be bright or dreary,
Storm or sunshine be our share;
May our souls in hope unweary
Make Thy work our ceaseless prayer.

Our "Downfall"

2010-07-01T16:18:00.003-05:00

You may have seen the show, or at least the previews, but there is a new game show for the summer called "Downfall." The basic premise of the show is simple. The contestant answers questions in order to win cash and prizes, which are placed on a conveyor belt on top of a 100 story building. When the questions start, so does the conveyor belt. If the contestant fails to answer the questions quickly enough, the prizes and eventually the cash fall over the edge of the building and crash on the pavement below.

I watched for about 10 minutes before I became so disgusted I had to change the channel.

The way the game was set up, it is essentially impossible to answer the questions fast enough to prevent prizes from plummeting. Which means that in every round, perfectly good items are demolished, all for the sake of a little "excitement." So while people on the other side of town, not to mention much poorer countries in the world, lack basic necessities -- we are throwing things off the top of buildings for the sake of game show novelty.

This is hardly the only example of consumerism and self absorption run rampant in our culture, but it strikes me as a particularly flagrant one. For what right do we have to throw our resources after things we intend to throw off a building when there are so many legitimate needs all around us? I can't help but think that mere blocks away from the patch concrete recently covered in tiny fragments of a baby grand piano lives a family who would have food on their table for weeks if they were given the money paid for that piano instead.

This post is a bit more condemnatory than usual, but I think the example of our culture necessitates that as Christians we ask ourselves: Who benefits from our use of resources? Are others served? Is God glorified? Or are our resources directed only toward ourselves?

Hoorah!!!

2010-06-09T10:14:00.003-05:00

This morning, Tim did his final presentation for his masters in Organizational and Human Resource Development. Not only did he pass with no revisions - he passed with flying colors!!! The department head told him how impressed he was with Tim's performance and what a great candidate and student he was.

I'm am so proud of my husband I could pop!!!

Whose terms?

2010-05-13T09:02:00.006-05:00

Every once and a while I read a book that leaves me speechless. Thomas R. Kelly's Testament of Devotion did just that. I could write fifteen posts about convicting parts of this book, but one in particular resonated with me as I came to the conclusion of what was the most difficult semester of my academic career thus far.

Life is meant to be lived from a Center, a divine Center. Each of us can life such a life of amazing power and peace and serenity, of integration and confidence and simplified multiplicity.

I wanted to stop there. I crave few things more than a little "simplified multiplicity," for it seems that each area of my life has me wearing eight different hats. My ministry job has me working in several almost unrelated directions, all of which I do enjoy. I just finished four very different graduate classes. I work two different part time jobs. Then of course, are my two most important roles: child of God and wife to my husband. I would love a little "simplified multiplicity."

The only problem is that Kelly does not stop there, going on to say the following:

. . . confidence and simplified multiplicity, on one condition -- that is, if we really one to. There is a divine Abyss within us all, a holy Infinite Center, a Heart, a Life who speaks in us and through us to the world . . . only at times have we submitted to His holy guidance. We have not counted this Holy Thing within us to be the most precious thing in the world. We have not surrendered all else, to attend to it alone. Let me repeat. Most of us, I fear, have not surrendered all else, in order to attend to the Holy Within.

I want simplicity and serenity in my busy life on my terms. As Kelly reminds me, it is only truly found on God's.

At some point in the semester I began to feel like a car heading too fast into the final curve, veering around the corner on two wheels hoping to land right side up - and without having lost any speed. At the end of each graduate semester I ask my husband how he thought it went - in terms of our life together and my ability to gracefully juggle all that I have taken on. This semester we agreed that I could probably do it all again in the fall - but we agreed to spend the summer praying about whether or not "I can" means that "I should."

So this summer will be spent asking: Do I engage the work I do, at the pace I do, because it honors me or honors God? Is there a more God honoring way to engage my work and life? This may not resonate with you as it does with me. But for all of us, our futures, our world, our work . . . everything, should be viewed in light of our primary commitment to living lives centered in God and His purposes.

I hope you too find lives of God-centered simplicity and wholeness.

If you can't beat 'em

2010-01-24T20:49:00.002-06:00

I'm currently watching the NFC Championship Game, which at the moment looks to be going to the Vikings or to OT. And, for the first time, I am really, honestly, interested in who wins.

It's not that I didn't grow up around football. Please, no one grows up in Texas completely unfamiliar with what in Texas is THE sport, not even if they spent their entire high school career scurrying between backstage and on stage. I just never cared.

And then . . . I got married.

Everyone has advice for you when they find out you are getting married, some helpful, some less than. So I felt reasonably prepared for the onslaught of adjustments par for the course in navigating the early years of our life together. Football, I have to confess, was not one I anticipated. In retrospect, I probably should have. All the signs were certainly there. But every Sunday . . . for months . . two or three games a day . . . and the occasionally yelling at the TV? Not prepared for that.

So I decided really early on that if it was going to be on TV, I might as well learn all about the game. After a (probably highly annoying) couple of months asking a hundred questions, I got it down. I know what a turnover on downs is. I can match quarterbacks to teams for nearly the entire NFL. I can recognize the motions for the penalties. Heck, I can name most, if not all, of the Cowboys offense - by position!!

And somewhere along the way, my marital adjustment became a new hobby.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. You may find out you like it!

(Oh, and we're now in OT)

I can explain

2009-12-17T17:18:00.003-06:00

To begin with, please note the date of my last post and the date of this one. Secondly, please note that the fall semester extends from . . . mid August to mid December. Apparently 12 hours of graduate level classes, 24-30 hours of associated homework, and 20-22 hours of work does not allot much time for "roaming around in my own mental playground" as my friend Cary so cleverly put it.

So, here we go again. Posts certainly won't be daily, but I plan to shoot for weekly. I think blogging and putting some thoughts down on "paper" will be good for both making sense of all the thoughts rolling around in my head as well as promoting some non-academic thought. And both are greatly needed!!! Besides, I truly do enjoy it (I'm sure a good deal more than others enjoy reading it : )

Here's what is rolling around in my head today.

I discovered yesterday that I'm becoming my father.

I had several errands to run, one of which was to have some lab work done. The lady who works at the lab I use for such delightful errands always seems . . . sad. Or concerned. Or something. But in all my time going there, I don't think I have ever seen her smile. So yesterday I made it my mission to infuse her day with enough cheer to elicit one. I got it, and I left feeling like I accomplished more than a chore on my list.

When I was a kid, Dad used to drive me to school. And nearly every morning we would play the same game - he would spend the entire drive trying to get me to smile. It was as if he considered it his personal mission to have me leave the truck with a smile to start the day. And he always succeeded. Even the one legendary morning when I managed to make him forget the game, I announced my triumph . . . with a smile. I can't count the times when I've seen him go to great lengths to make anyone and everyone smile.

So, I think I'm becoming my father. Looking for every opportunity to share the joy of Christ in ways both big and small. I take no personal credit on this one - I simply follow the example of the master from whom I learned.

One year, and counting!

2009-08-11T15:20:00.003-05:00

This last Sunday Tim and I celebrated our first anniversary! We spent the weekend in Journey's Inn, a delightful bed and breakfast owned a managed by a dear friend. (If you are looking for a relaxing weekend away, you should DEFINITELY stay at this charming place!) We slept in, ate out, watched movies, worked puzzles, played board games, and were simply . . . together. No computer, no cell phones, no homework, no e-mail, nothing. It was marvelous. As I start my Masters program in less than two weeks, this was the deep breath before the plunge. And I couldn't have asked for a better weekend.

Someone new to Abilene recently asked me what I did for fun. When I started to answer her, I realized that I was a bit embarrassed that it wasn't anything more exciting than watching movies, working crosswords, playing board games, cooking for friends, and occasionally eating out. And I guess by most standards my life is, well, boring. But honestly, I am perfectly content with my life, and the wonderful man I've shared it with for the last year.

So here's to boring married life! One year down, and many more to go.

My New Favorite Quote

2009-07-23T08:40:00.003-05:00

My friend and fellow minister recently posted this quote on his blog.

"God is looking for those with whom He can do the impossible - What a pity that we plan things we can only do by ourselves." - A.W. Tozer

What does God want to do in your life and ministry?

Collapse and Contentment

2009-07-21T11:11:00.003-05:00

The unthinkable happened last week. My computer wouldn't boot up. I turned it off and everything went exactly as it normally did. When I tried to turn it back on, nothing doing.

Being the relatively technologically illiterate person that I am, I immediately took it to my good friend and technical assistance person on campus. He said he'd try to resuscitate it for me and call me that evening. When the phone rang, I experienced a series of emotions that I imagine experiencing in greater magnitude when awaiting test results from a doctor. And in this case, the diagnosis was bad. Not only was the computer completely fried, but all the data contained on it was gone.

All my music, gone.

All my pictures from Australia, gone.

All documents from my college career, gone.

It was devastating. I probably cried for at least twenty minutes, grieving the loss of my intellectual property and memories contained on what was now a useless collection of metal and plastic pieces. Grieving my lack of follow through on my long standing intention to back everything up. Grieving the loss of the hours of work that had been contained on the computer. Grieving my trust in a piece of technology I always knew wasn't intended to last forever.

A few days (and the recovery of my data by John "Miracle Worker" Ashinhurst) later, I've regained a great deal of perspective. For one, it no longer seems as it did in the moment, that a large part of my world had been lost. Granted, my old files should be loaded on our new computer tonight so I've no longer lost what I thought I had. But I've done some serious thinking on my attachment to and dependence on the things that I own.

Soon after we got the bad news, my husband was praying and thanking God for all the things that we did have. And all I could think was "But I don't want to be thankful right now! I want to be upset!" Apparently my level of gratitude depended more upon what I thought I should have than what I did have. Which was a disquieting realization.

Lessons Learned:

- Trust in what promises to last forever, for only the love of God truly never fails

- Be grateful, for there is always more that I do have than don't have

- Just in case, back up your documents!

Coming Home

2009-07-06T08:36:00.002-05:00

Over the holiday weekend my husband and I visited my parents. Coming back to the town I grew up in, all the things that have changed stand out vividly. At the moment, there are many such things since the new Dallas Cowboys stadium was completed just minutes away from the house I grew up in. New businesses are popping up, old buildings have disappeared, and the entire look of that side has been changed by the gargantuan stadium.

At the same time, the town is comforting in its familiarity. I can get places without thinking, my hands guiding the car on autopilot (this drives my husband crazy since when he is driving I occasionally forget to warn him about the next turn). I've been around town so many times in the past 20 years that there are stories and memories at every corner.

But this last weekend, while driving down a street I've been down many times before, I noticed a new restaurant. When I asked my mom about it, she replied that it had been there for a long time, years in fact. For some reason in all that time I just hadn't noticed.

Scripture to me is like coming home. There are parts I'm less familiar with, that seem new and strange at times. Much of Scripture is comforting in its familiarity, those passages that I return to again and again that breathe life into my soul. And then there are those times when while reading something I've read countless times before I see something entirely new. And I wonder, "Has that always been there?"

I should come home more often.

Taste and See

2009-06-29T08:50:00.004-05:00

I spent a great deal of this past weekend holding, playing with, watching, and loving on my six month old niece Kate. She's reaching that precious stage where she is beginning to explore and respond to her environment. She laughs and smiles in response to your antics. Her world is full of wonders and new things to see. And often to taste, as most new things her hands pick up also end up in her mouth. Hygienic, no. Cute, yes.

In her developing world of sensory experience, each new thing is an adventure in and of itself. Blankets, puppies, and hair are all patted and stroked as new textures present themselves. Shiny pieces of jewelry are cause for a thoughtful stare. The discovery the a toy makes noise when shaken is cause for excitement and laughter. There is no agenda to her exploration, only enjoyment.

How soon we lose that! Perhaps babies are so captivating because we long for those days when things were enjoyed for their own sake, not for their utility, their rarity, or their status. Those days when each new thing is an adventure rather than an annoying interruption to our schedule or something else to be conquered and managed.

The Psalmist tells us to "taste and see that the Lord is good". To experience God hands on. So much off my life is intellectually oriented. I think, I plan, I analyze, I disect, I conclude. I do these things with Scripture, with theology, and with my own faith. But how rarely do I experience the world around me in ways that point me back to the Creator and Sustainer.

So today, I'm going to notice the trees when I walk to my car and thank God for the shade they provide. I'm going to take a quiet moment to listen to the birds and remember how the Lord takes care of them. I'm going to savor the taste of dinner with my husband and remember that the Lord joins us there.

I'm going to pay attention, because Kate has reminded me just how much I might be missing.

In the News

2009-06-26T08:43:00.002-05:00

It's been an interesting 24 hours in the entertainment industry. With the loss of two entertainment icons, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson, there isn't anything else to watch on our three channels but stories about their lives and accomplishments. The Today show this morning didn't get to any "real" news until over an hour into their program this morning.

Michael Jackson's death has received as much consistent airtime as large scale catastrophes like deadly plane crashes and violent riots.

There is no doubting the effect that Jackson had on our cultural identity and entertainment industry. He was a revolutionary creative force. But I still struggle to understand the depth and breadth of the coverage, just as I struggle to understand the tears of his fans as they set up makeshift memorials.

I realize I contribute to the current media frenzy by blogging about it. I just find the way we relate to and identify with celebrity to be fascinating. What are your thoughts?

I have decided to follow Jesus . . .

2009-06-22T08:28:00.003-05:00

Baptisms always make me cry. Everytime. I don't even have to know the person; simply watching someone commit their life to following Christ is immensely moving to me. When I do know the person . . . well, let's just say when my sister was baptized I was a little dehydrated afterwards.

This morning I found that a video had been posted on Facebook of a dear friend of mine in Australia putting on Christ in baptism. I lived with her and her family for a couple of weeks when I was there. She had been in a Bible study with some other women at the church when Tim and I got there, and we talked about it over white chocolate mochas at Gloria Jeans. And in addition to that, I spent much time on my knees before the Father praying for the Spirit to be at work in her life. I know that many other people were praying the same thing.

Watching her be baptized by her mom and dad and prayed over by her brother left me in tears over my laptop keyboard, my heart swelling with joy at her decision. And this morning I am reminded again of my own decision and baptism, some twelve years ago. And of my sister's baptism. And my cousins. And all the people in my life and church that I have seen join the Lord's family, united by this powerful event in which we are made new. The event that saves the one being baptized and reminds the church that we too are saved, that we too have commited our own lives to the Lord who freely gave his own for our sake.

What power, what joy, what peace.

And all God's people say,
Amen.

Covenant

2009-06-15T16:29:00.002-05:00

I began a new book today that came highly recommended to me by a professor I greatly respect. The prayer the book is centered around quite simply floored me. I had heard it before, and yet today it was as if it was spoken not into my head but my soul, resonating down to the core of who I am before God. I wanted to laugh, cry, run away, and hit my knees all at the same time.

Beginning today I am incorporating it into my personal prayer life. For it speaks to the paradox of my faith walk, the complicated mix of low self esteem and selfish pride that I grapple with on my more difficult days. May these words bring me back again to the covenant I made with God in baptism twelve years ago this month. May my surrender bring me closer to the Almighty.

The Covenant Prayer
I am no longer my own,
but thine.
Put me to what thou wilt,
rank me with whom thou wilt;
put me to doing, put me to suffering,
let me be employed for thee or laid aside for thee,
exalted for thee or
brought low for thee;
let me be full, let me be empty;
let me have all things, let me have nothing;
I freely and heartily yield all things to thy
pleasure and disposal.
And now, O glorious and blessed God,
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit,
thou art mine, and I am thine.
So be it.
And the covenant which I have made
on earth, let it be ratified in heaven.
Amen.

Forgetfulness

2009-06-11T08:56:00.003-05:00

Jesus, are you serious?

We can't do that!

Don't you know how much that will cost?

We don't have those kinds of resources!!!

This was the disciples' reaction when Jesus told them to give the people something to eat (Mark6:30-44). They had been given authority over demons and illness and sent out to preach the good news of the kingdom. Immediately after they rendezvoused with Jesus a crowd gathered and spent all day listened to Jesus. When it became late, they suggested that Jesus send the five thousand men (not counting women and children) off to get something to eat. To which Jesus replied: "You give them something to eat."

Even having done and seen all they had, their first response was "I can't" It wasn't that Jesus took the power he had given them away. It simply seems that they didn't consider it at all. They seemed to consider only the resources they brought to the table, for they said "That would take almost a year's wages! Are we to go and spend that much on bread and give it to them to eat?" Jesus was asking too much. On this side of Scripture, it seems a little silly.

But to be honest, I've felt the same thing. Have you? Overwhelmed with the size of the call of the Lord in comparison to my skills and resources, it seems as though the Lord asks the impossible. Be perfect because your heavenly Father is perfect. Go into ALL the world. Love your neighbor and your enemy too.

I forget at times that it's not just about what I bring to the table. The disciples brought what they had, five loaves and two fish, but the Lord did not make that enough.

He made it more than enough.

What could he do with our loaves and fish?

What would they say?

2009-06-09T08:03:00.003-05:00

I've been dwelling on this question lately, and I would love your thoughts.

"If someone with no familiarity with Christianity or the church came to North America to observe our church life, would their observations reflect the Great Commission?"

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey all that I have commanded you."

We're commanded to make disciples, and to do that by going, by baptizing, and by teaching. Would someone completely from the outside see that as the mission of today's church? If they looked at our church life, at our church budgets, at our church activities, would they see us calling people to discipleship in Christ? If not, what would they see?

If not, what should we be doing differently?

The Consumer Elephant

2009-06-05T08:12:00.003-05:00

Wednesday nights at church we are doing a series called "Elephants in the Church" - those issues that are painfully present that no one wants to talk about. This Wednesday night was Consumerism in the church, an insidious little issue that sneaks in unnoticed because our culture is so thoroughly saturated with it. Here's a couple of examples:

Best Buy's new summer sales pitch is "You, Happier". The commercials spend a couple of minutes advertising a particular product, say rock shaped speakers for a summer barbeque, that they end with those two little words: "You, Happier." What you really need to be happier is what we sell here. That long sought secret to happiness: more stuff.

Facebook provides a second example. As a part of the recent quiz phase, there is a quiz for "What Cell Phone Should You Have?" These quizzes serve primarily to identify you with something, be it an element of the earth, a US State, or a famous celebrity. In this quiz, you are identified with a product. Because you are what you own.

Consumer culture takes over in church too. We see it when we are more concerned with how meaningful the sermon was to ME than considering how it might have impacted someone else. We see it when our only concern is how church is meeting ME and MY needs rather than how it might be reaching out to seek and save the lost. We see it when we bend over backward to keep everyone, or even certain groups, happy because we don't want to lose church market share, and church is after all about keeping everyone happy.

We are all to blame in this one - no one has the luxury of pretending like they are totally exempt. The key is not to totally avoid consumerism, for in our culture that may be all but impossible. The key is to become aware of it in our own actions and attitudes, and to see the church that Christ intended instead of the one culture can create.

Lessons from the Labyrinth

2009-06-04T10:15:00.004-05:00

I've spent some time recently walking the labyrinth on the ACU Campus (pictured here). A labyrinth is part of Christian spiritual disciplines for centuries. It is a path to follow for reflection and prayer, full of twists and unexpected turns that remind us of the path we follow in life. My own path has had some unexpected turns lately so it seemed particularly fitting for me to take my daily prayer here.

In a labyrinth you follow the winding path toward the center and then back out again. As I walked inward I prayed for God's leading in various areas of my life and ministry. When I reached the center I decided to spend the time on the way out in quiet reflection. Which I quickly discovered was much more difficult than I had hoped.

It wasn't the sound of the occasional car, or the conversation of the men working on the sprinklers a hundred yards away. I can filter out those distractions. The noise inside my head was deafening. It seems that in prayer I have a lot to say.

This wasn't a new phenomenon for me - silence reflection is a discipline in my life that demands cultivation for it does not come easily. But I was reminded powerfully as I walked that God has infinitely more to contribute to the conversation than I do. That is, when I give Him opportunity to get a word in edgewise. And these words from Ecclesiastes 5:2 resonated in my soul:

Do not be quick with your mouth,
do not be hasty in your heart
to utter anything before God.
God is in heaven
and you are on earth,
so let your words be few.

Really?

2009-05-30T12:36:00.002-05:00

I just saw a commercial for a medicine to grow longer eyelashes. Because apparently it's not dramatic enough to coat them with mascara and use a curler that resembles some sort of medieval torture device (which is what they feel like if you've ever pinched your eyelid with them.) Now we can medicate those problem lashes - and THEN coat them in mascara and curl them.

Ladies and gentlemen, behold a whole new level of ridiculousness.

Same and Different

2009-05-29T13:43:00.003-05:00

I'm reading Emerging Elders by Ron Clark at the moment, and he shared some interesting background on hospitality. In the first century world, hospitality was practiced as part of a patron/client society. You hosted people in your home so that they in turn would host you in theirs. In fact, the Greek writer Homer specifically suggested that the rich show hospitality only to their friends, family, and business clients. It was a distinct part of the pagan culture, a "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" sort of set up. With the position jostling and power plays that it involved, it was certainly something a Christian shouldn't touch even with a ten foot pole. Right?

Wrong.

Christians are commanded to show hospitality. It's a characteristic expected of elders. Christians are to practice hospitality just like their neighbors - but do it DIFFERENTLY. They are to partake in that aspect of their culture, but do it DIFFERENTLY. They are to practice hospitality to the poor, the sick and the outsider (Luke 14) and to those who are advancing the gospel and can't pay you back (III John 8).

We talk a lot about how we ought to do different things than the world. This is good, and true. But the kingdom is also brought in powerful ways by doing the SAME things in DIFFERENT ways.

Is this all we've got?

2009-05-21T09:54:00.003-05:00

I recently discovered that Abilene has a community discussion board with a section for religious discussion. The hot topics for debate and conversation: why the KJV is the correct version, whether biblical Sabbath is Saturday or Sunday, if you should eat out on Sunday, and if the wise men who visited Jesus were pagans.

Even an individual who started a thread about how she was having trouble finding authentic Christians in town found her question hijacked into a debate about Sabbath.

Sort of proved her point, didn't it. Is this the best Christians have to bring to the table?

Tradition! . . . TRADITION!!

2009-05-20T10:43:00.003-05:00

Recently my husband and I have studying the book of Mark together. In reading the familiar stories again it strikes me how little regard Jesus appears to show for the religious traditions of the Pharisees. Jesus healed on the Sabbath, picked grain for dinner on the Sabbath, and showed general disregard for the rules set up by the Pharisees. His interest was not in the Sabbath tradition for its own sake, but rather the effect it was having on the people. People consistently ranked above practice when it came to religious matters. "For the Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath"

I've been wondering lately, which do we consider more important: the programs at our churches or the effect they have on people? I find it difficult to believe that any church member you asked would say that they thought it was more important for us to maintain a program with no impact than to reach people. I find it hard to believe that any Christian would admit to valuing a program or church tradition over people. (I am speaking specifically about programs, not doctrinal issues or practices).

So we are left with this question: are we pouring our energy into programs that fail to make disciples of Christ? Not bad programs or malicious programs. Just ineffective ones. Andy Stanly refers to these as "old couches", programs we bought at one point that served their purpose well but have long ceased to. Are we even willing to take a difficult look at ourselves to determine where we are and aren't being effective?

Jesus didn't argue that the Sabbath should be abolished. He did clearly say that it should be understood in light of its original intent, and that they way people went about it should be changed. Are there areas of our church life were we ought to do the same?

Worth

2009-05-13T15:56:00.003-05:00

It's been almost two years since I posted last. No reason in particular . . . I just fell off the face of the blogging map. But for a variety of reasons I won't spell out here (for fear you'd be so bored you wouldn't care to read further) I am beginning again. . . .

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

My family was in town last weekend for my graduation. Due to three graduations and a cultural event all packed on the same weekend, the closest hotel reservation they could get at first was an hour and a half away. Since they only live three hours away, it wasn't even worth the expense. But by some streak of luck they found one in town, and even close to the school. Mom had me drive by to check out the place since they'd never stayed there before. It looked older, but relatively well kept; I asked one person who gave the same report - old, but clean and certainly sufficient for a short stay.

It was TERRIBLE.

They arrived at the hotel late in the evening, only to find that their room didn't even appear to have been cleaned. It was bad enough that my dad went down to the front desk at eleven o'clock and asked for two clean sets of sheets and a bottle of disinfectant. The next morning, on his way to the front desk in search of some coffee, Dad was winked at by a hooker in the parking lot. Classy joint.

We had made arrangements to meet up with some other family in the diner connected to the hotel. It was also TERRIBLE. They didn't even have the first three items my grandmother tried to order, other patrons whispered to us that they had waited an hour for their food, the service was nonexistent and the food lackluster at best. We had places to be so my dad finally flagged the waitress down and offered to get to help get the coffee (Number one sign you should NOT eat at a restaurant: they allow patrons to get their own drinks from the side bar. Not okay.) Our waitress, honest to goodness, appeared to be under the influence of some form of drug. She was spaced out, couldn't remember if she'd taken our order even though she'd written it down, and seemed completely disconnected from reality.

At this point, I am getting really frustrated. Bad service is generally frustrating to me, especially knowing how much my parents had paid for their rooms and what the hotel advertised. I sat frustrated, ready to wield some righteous anger if provoked further. We should not have to pay for such a terrible experience. My family deserved so much better than that!!

And so did our waitress.

To my shame, it didn't occur to me until later in the day that in my frustration I never stopped to consider her. I don't know her story, so I won't presume to tell it. But the one thing I do know is that she needs to know there is something better for her. There is Someone who cares. She needs the Lord, but if all she sees from Christians like me is frustration at bad service, she's not exactly being shown Him.

She's been on my mind ever since. It troubles me deeply that I considered her first in terms of what she was supposed to do, not who she is. I sought her value in her production, not her humanity. I am ashamed, but I share this to remind myself and all of us where our value lies - and how we ought to be valuing others: As Christ himself does.

Solomente able poquito Espanol!

2007-06-17T16:05:00.000-05:00

Well, I can assure you that my lack of blogging has nothing to do with the amount that I have to say and much more to do with the amount of extra time in which to say it. This is the beginning of my fourth week here in the Bronx, and things are beginning to settle into some sort of schedule. And we are finally done putting up flyers!!!!

There has been one thing since I got here that has taken up a good bit of my extra time since I got here that I did not expect. Well, more than one thing - it takes me an hour to get to the Bronx from upper Manhattan via public transportation. The thing I am referring to is the time that I have spent learning Spanish. It seems funny, but have needed Spanish more since I got here than I ever did in Texas. There is a HUGE Puerto Rican and Dominican population in the area, and most of our students for our conversational English classes are native Spanish speakers. And suddenly it became pretty necessary for me to learn Spanish ASAP.

It's not that I couldn't teach conversational English without it. It's just that I could teach it so much better if I could explain what the words were in the language my student actually understands. Luckily for me, my friend Ben is fluent, one of the apprentices here is fluent, and Jordan speaks some as well. So I basically have personal tutors. That, coupled with a huge amount of drive to learn quickly is helping me out a great deal. My goal is to by the end of the summer have a full conversation in Spanish in which I do not have to pause to conjugate verbs in my head.

The amount of diversity here is amazing. Four weeks in, it has ceased to surprise me. It is absolutely incredible though. I realized when I got here that it was the first time I'd ever been in the racial minority while in the States. And I am almost 100% of the time when I am up in the Bronx. Manhattan is an entirely different story.

With my amazement at the diversity comes some frustration as well. I find myself feeling at a loss at how to connect and relate to people who are so incredibly different from myself. With the people that I meet up here, my white, Christian, suburban upbringing is not cause for a lot of common ground. My world is an alien to them as theirs is to me. We haven't had the same experiences, we don't share the same struggles, we don't share the same life direction. And I have to admit that I spent a while completely befuddled by what to do with all of that.

For my solo time on Thursday, I went and sat at the United Nations. It is a group of people from entirely different backgrounds, with different needs and different agendas trying to work together in unity. It seemed symbolic in a way of what I was dealing with in my head. And the thing that finally occurred to me was at that as different as we may be, we all share the need for Christ. And that I, myself, do not have to touch the heart of every person. I can share my story and listen to others. I can plant the seeds of the gospel. But God is the one who makes it grow.

While I was there I was reading in John 4 about Jesus and the Samaritan woman at the well. She goes back and tells everyone in the town about her experience with Jesus. They listen to her story and go out to see Jesus themselves. When they come back they tell her that they heard what she said, then they saw Jesus for themselves and believed. And suddenly the fog lifted a bit. My story and my experiences to not necessarily have to convict anyone. My story doesn't have to resonate and transform anyone. What my story should do is show how Christ has worked in me, and to point others to him. It is Christ who will transform, who will convict and who will finally redeem.

So I'm learning to tell my story in English and en Espanol. Because the more people I can point to Christ, the more people I can influence to look for Him themselves, the more people who can be convicted by His life and transformed by His presence. And my story is being written even as I write this. And as I struggle to allow God to be the author of my story, I continue to praise him for his patience with my protests, his training and loving discipline, and His freshly made mercies every morning.

Big Apple. Big Differences.

2007-06-08T22:57:00.000-05:00

So I'm a bad blogger. Many apologies to everyone whose been asking me why I haven't posted an update about my time in New York thus far. So, here's the briefest reason I can think of.

I'm tired.

Tired in the best way possible. Tired in the "I just walked 35 miles of city streets posting flyers" way. Tired in the "I just spent an hours playing with some kids in the projects who desperately need some love and attention" kind of way. Tired in the "I just moved to a city of 17 MILLION people from small town Texas" kind of way. Tired in the "I rode a subway for over an hour to get to work in the morning" kind of way. Tired in the "I just spent all day cleaning up a Christian camp for the summer and hauling debris" kind of way. Tired in the "I just practiced English with a recent immigrant and spent an hour with her trying to understand each others accents" kind of way.

I'm tired!

Maybe part of my exhaustion has to do with the number of walls I've been breaking down in my own life over the past two weeks. If a challenging, stretching experience is what I've been looking for, it is what I am getting, although in different ways than I expected. For instance, I expected getting around New York alone to be a major hurdle for me. After the very brief time I've been here, I think nothing of climbing on the 6 train at 103rd, transfering to the 5 at 125th, transferring to the 2 at E 180th, hopping of at Pelham Parkway to catch the 12 bus to the office. And coming home to an empty apartmen, rather than being lonely, is actually a nice relief from the rest of the day.

But over the past week or so I've really become aware of how many of my preconcieved notions have been or are being dismantled. I've talked about my frustrations with the stereotypes that Texans get up here (yes, I am an intelligent individual and no, I don't own any cows). Truth told though, people do consistently call me "sweetie". And one of the kids I work with did tell me I"d have to get "Texas music" to put on my MySpace page, because we don't have the same music down in the Lone Star State.

As I experience that, though, I realize more and more how many stereotypical ideas I came in with. Like all stereotypes, some ideas are grounded in fact. For instance, people do not make eye contact on the street, and don't really talk on the subway. But I've watched a cute kid dismantle tensions and connect people of all ages in a subway car. I've seen a crusty looking guy give up his seat on a bus for an older woman. I've been graciously and cheerfully given directions from people of all kinds. And I have heard very little of the traditional New York accent.

The Bronx is especially stereotyped. It used to be terrible back in the 80's and early 90's, and it bears the reputation of the past. I have to be honest. In most ways, I prefer it to Manhattan! Case in point: we went to Times Square last night. For as crowded as it is, there is really nothing there. If you don't want to shop at an expensive store or eat a remarkably expensive meal, there is nothing to do but fight the crowds and feel the glare off of neon pricetages everywhere you look. Walking down from my poorer neighborhood into the wealthy parts of Manhattan, you can feel a change in the air as clearly as you can see a change in the type of people you are surrounded by. People in the Bronx tend to be more friendly. They sit on their porches and chat at night. Kids by ice cream from the ice cream trucks in the neighborhood and play in the illegally busted open fire hydrants. In Manhattan, women in designer sweats walk their expensive looking small dogs, and people rush in and out of boutiques and bank towers.

Does the Bronx have it's problems? You bet it does! There are areas to not be in alone at night, to be certain. There are also areas in Manhattan like that. And you know that they problems in Manhattan, although they may take a different form or face, are just as potent. It just fascinates me to see two such different worlds existing so close together, and to feel such a clear distinction as I travel downtown.

May God keep breaking down the barriers I've erected, and helping me to see ways to break down other peoples walls for the sake of the gospel.

The Rubber Meets the Road

2007-05-26T02:12:00.000-05:00

Today I will be in New York. After months of planning, fundraising, stress, excitement, and preparation, I am woefully behind in packing. It's 2:13 AM and Ben and I get in the car at 6:30. Have I packed yet?

Nope.

So this is it. This is what it's come down to. Putting my stuff in my bag, zipping it up, and hitting the road. God grant us peace and safety on the journey.

The Firsts Will Be Lasts

2007-05-18T22:18:00.000-05:00

My mom said something I thought was simply profound the other day. I was talking to her about how weird this time in the year typically is. Earlier that morning I had realized that it was my last night in a dorm, my last day at work, my last night at church, and so forth. And I pondered aloud when I ran out of firsts and ended up with all of these lasts.

Her response: how do you think we make room for more firsts?

Touche. Perhaps the little acknowledged fact about firsts is that their very existence creates a last somewhere down the line. And while I know that life would be boring if nothing ever changed, it doesn't necessarily make it easier when things do.

For instance, I said goodbye to a good friend of mine at church on Wednesday. He's moving on to bigger, better, exciting things, and I could not be more thrilled for him. Still, even goodbyes like that are bitter sweet. He's been a great influence in my life of late, and will certainly be missed in our campus ministry. And even though I knew the farewell was coming, it still wasn't my idea of a good time.

I leave in a week for my summer internship in the Bronx (which I'll be posting about here often). There is this fantastic combination of excitement and a little bit of straight up fear in my heart and mind at the moment. I'm living by myself now, which I was not expecting. And I'll be away from people quite near to my heart. One of them, in fact, will be as far away as is possible on earth while he's on his internship for the summer. I am so excited about the experience, and about what God is going to show me this summer. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.

So at the moment, it feels like for every first in my life, there is a last to go along with it. First apartment - last time in the dorm. First time rooming with L. - last time rooming with R., my roomie of two years. First time away for the summer - last time to move home, possibly forever (which really weird). And I find myself in this exciting but slightly uncomfortable period of transition. Maybe I'm cleaning house, and making room for all the firsts headed my way. But I can't help look at the lasts with a little bit of nostalgia as I pack them away.

Onward and upward, I suppose: here's to firsts - and to making them last.

What I'm Getting Myself Into

2007-02-28T17:25:00.000-06:00

I have heard this song a hundred times. But in light of all that's gone on in my life of late, and working to hard to give God the control that he already has, this song meant something entirely different to me this morning.

"When I made up my mind
And my heart along with that
To live not for myself
But yet for God somebody said
Do you know what you are getting yourself into?

When I finally ironed out
All of my priorities
And asked God to remove the doubt
That makes me so unsure of these
Things I ask myself, I ask myself
Do you know what you are getting yourself into?

I'm getting into you
Because you got to me
In a way words can't describe
I'm getting into you
Because I've got to be
You're essential to survive
I'm gonna love you with my life

When you looked at me and said
I kind of view you as a son
For one second our eyes met
And I met that with a question
Do you know what you are getting yourself into?

I'm getting into you
Because you got to me
In a way words can't describe
I'm getting into you
Because I've got to be
You're essential to survive
I'm gonna love you with my life.

I've been a liar and I'll never amount to
The kind of person you deserve to worship you
You say you will not dwell on what I did but rather what I do
You said, I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into

He said, I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into.

- Relient K "Getting Into You"

Practically Speaking

2007-02-16T16:46:00.000-06:00

My practicality has been under fire of late. Which sounds strange I guess, but according to several people in my life who I very highly respect I am a little too practical for my own good.

And I guess it's true - I am an especially pragmatic person in most senses of the word. It's been pointed out to me that I don't wear practical shoes (I believe I was termed "a cute shoe person") but my outlook and way of conducting my life is very practical.

Well, dear reader, prepare to be proud. I am about to do something that most people would consider not very practical at all - at least not in a earthly, economic, security sense.

I am changing my major: from Marketing . . . . . to Christian Ministry.

I have to admit, one of the most fascinating things about this whole evolution in my life, despite the sheer amazement at the way God has been working in my life to bring this about and that I was apparently one of only a few who didn't see it coming, is going to be the reactions to my decision.

My parents, as I expected, reacted, well, with a great deal of concern. Not that I blame them. Marketing is marketable, if you'll pardon the pun, and ministry is a good deal less so. Not to mention that jobs for women in ministry are a little or a lot less common. And that ministry is not a secure field for anyone. They would much rather me finish my marketing degree and get my masters in ministry. Which could work . . . . except for the fact that I don't want the marketing degree.

It also strikes me as kind of funny that I am switching from one to the other of the two most stereotyped majors on campus. And that the stereotypes are such opposites. Business majors are supposedly all about profit and the bottom line. Bible majors are supposedly holier than thou. I'm not switching because I find Business ungodly by any means, or that I feel like I can't serve God as a business major. Because that is simply not the case at all.

This is what it came down to: I've searched my whole life for my passion. Now that I've found it, I want to do everything I can to equip myself to do it. And never before have I felt like God is calling me to something. And I've always wondered what that felt like. Now I know. Not to say that I'm not scared - because truth be told, I am. But I am even more scared of looking back and wishing I had followed my heart. And I can't help but wonder that if God had shown me this desire in my heart any earlier, I may not have had the faith to make the leap.

So here's to practicality . . . and to deciding the most practical thing in the world is to follow what you believe is God's calling and let him worry about all those "practicalities".

Fear Factor

2007-02-06T18:41:00.000-06:00

I heard a really good speaker in chapel this morning. I'll admit, it's easy to zone out during chapel, especially when you are what I was this morning: tired, stressed, and sicker than I've been in months. But this speaker started out with a phrase that arrested my attention then and has had me thinking all day long.

"I have two greatest fears: saying no to God and saying yes to God."

I can't think of any better way to describe how I've been feeling of late. I KNOW that God's plan for me will bring me more life and fulfillment than I could possibly find on my own. And I know that trusting my future to the God who created the universe makes sense in every possible way. I know this.

But there seems to be a gap between the things that I know in my head and the things that I know in myself. Because there remains this amazing amount of trepidation over where God might take me if I decided to let him take the reins. Which is a silly way to phrase it, because he's God; but my lack of faith limits what he is able to accomplish in my life. It's the beauty and the tragedy of free will. It's the risk God took.

God's been working on me lately. I can't really explain it, but if you've ever had God work on your heart about something, then you'll know what I mean. I've had this plan about where I thought God was calling me to go with my life. But lately I've been wondering for a variety of reasons if it's God's plan or mine. And this is big stuff, dear anonymous reader. Stuff like whether or not I'm even in the right major. Because what I'm learning in class is not what I am passionate about. At all. And I get excited when I get to go to my Bible classes. I look forward to them all day - they are work in a technical sense, but they don't feel like it. This may be some sort of emotional response given the fact that I really don't like the particular business classes I'm taking right now at all. But I don't know.

Right now I just don't feel like I know anything for sure. And honestly, that scares the dickens out of me. Call me crazy, but I like plans. It's taken me my whole life to get to this point of flexibility, so you can only imagine what I used to be like. What if what I've been planning isn't the plan at all? How do I know what is the plan? And really, in the grand scheme of things how much does it matter? I truly believe that I can accomplish God's work in the world regardless of what I am doing if my heart and motivation are in the right place. But I'd like for the rest of me to be in the best place they can.

Here's what I don't want: I don't want fear of something different that God may be calling me to keep me from doing it. I don't want to look back on my life and wish desperately that I had taken a different path. And I am at a point right now that I can change paths, but I am running out of time.

All this to say, dear reader, please pray for me. Pray that I can discern God's plan for my life, and that I can grow every day more deeply into Him. Because I think that when I can let go of myself, I'll find who I am truly supposed to be.

Making a You-Know-What out of U-And-Me

2007-01-29T22:16:00.001-06:00

So, I made a pretty big assumption the other day. Granted, it was a fairly easy one to make, given the context and the extenuating circumstances. Of course, that's not likely to keep the person I expressed this particular assumption to from reminding me of it on a fairly frequent basis. Not that I necessarily blame him.

But that particular embarrassing situation has left me thinking a lot about the assumptions I make on a daily basis. And we all make them all the time. Sometimes they take the form of stereotypes, sometimes biases, sometimes conclusions we are awfully swift to jump to.

It has me thinking a lot too about the assumptions we make when it comes to evangelism. We just had our WorldWide Witness retreat this past weekend for my upcoming internship in the Bronx. We were talking about our fears at the locations we are going to, and I stated that one of mine was not being taken seriously or being presumed less intelligent because I am, and certainly sound like I am, from the South. But what struck me even as I derided their assumptions about me was that I was at the same time assuming that they would be judgemental.

A lot of assuming comes hand in hand with pride. We may assume we know the best method to reach someone, we may assume that our plan is best because it may have worked in the past, we may assume that what we think is perfectly clear will be perfectly clear to everyone else. It's dangerous ground, and a terribly fast way to drive people away.

It appears that assuming really does make an ass out of you and me.

Making a You-Know-What out of U-And-Me

2007-01-29T22:16:00.000-06:00

Walk the Line

2007-01-16T17:47:00.000-06:00

Lines.

I've realized recently how most endeavors in life are in the attempt to find the line. For instance, where is the line between being accepting of differences and compromising too much. Where is the line between friend and something more. Where is the line between determination and obsession, between concern and worry, between too far and not far enough. So much of our lives is spent in search of that ever illusive happy medium.

Not only do we look for the line, we stand in line. We stand in line at the grocery store, at the post office, at the stop light. And we wonder when it will be our turn. No amount of impatience will change the wait, so we learn to take things as they come and accept that we don't always have any say in getting what we want when we want it. But when we do get it, there is satisfaction in knowing that it was worth the wait.

Not only do we stand in line, we draw our own lines. We draw lines in relationships, for our own protection and for other's perception. Most lines are meant to keep people out, to hold people at arms length, to prevent ourselves from being vulnerable. Some are simply meant for clarity. We "define the relationship" because sometimes the not knowing is worse than knowing the worst. We find ourselves willing to sacrifice our barrier lines in order to draw the lines around what we have and want. Our goals themselves serve as lines, finish lines for where we want to find ourselves and the points which we want to reach.

Maybe our lives are really the pictures we make with the lines we draw.

Time To Move On

2007-01-09T14:27:00.000-06:00

I ran into someone today that I haven't seen in a couple of years. We had been good friends for a while, but senior year things went south fast. Sparing you, anonymous reader, the sad details, I'll suffice it to say that some serious differences of opinion coupled with some assumptions and misunderstanding drove a wedge in that nothing I tried seemed to remedy. We went our very separate ways after graduation and I hadn't seen her until I ran into her today. And contrary to what I'd feared, it was completely pleasant. And in one moment of clarity I realized how much we had moved on. It was sad and complicated and painful at the time, but we've both moved past all of that. I'm glad that I saw her - it was the closure that I needed.

Being home for the holidays has been different this year. My family has been in the painful but necessary process of trying to change churches. And I realized that for the first time in my life, where my family goes to church really has very little to do with me. I'll be interning in the Bronx all summer so I'll never really go to church there. I count the church I go to while I'm at school as my home congregation already since I'm there most of the year. But now, it is my only church family. When I go home, I'll be the visitor.

For a while it's felt like I have two separate lives: my life at school and my life at home. But more and more those two lives are blending into one life. My life. It never fails to amaze me how I can relish and yet almost fear my independence at the same time. But every day I am moving one step closer to flying solo, to leaving my safety nets behind and striking out on my own.

Moving on is a funny thing. Sometimes you wish you don't have to. Sometimes you know that you will. Sometimes you desperately wish that you could.

Apparently in college you find yourself in all three stages at the same time.

Happy New Year

2007-01-01T00:02:00.000-06:00

I have to admit - I never really got New Years Eve. Ever since getting to stay up until midnight ceased to be a priviledge and became a common occurrence, I've never understood what all the hoopla was about. I don't watch the ball drop, don't count down to midnight, don't make New Years resolutions, etc.

It's not cynicism, I promise. In fact, I guess it's kind of the opposite. See, I think one of the biggest attractions of the new year is the fresh start that it provides. We make resolutions because we want to renew a commitment, start over, change something. The whole holiday is a big out-with-the-old-in-with-the-new full fledged moving on moment. There is definitely something to be said for fresh starts. It was the thing I was looking forward to most in moving to college: going somewhere where no one knew me and getting to start over. So I certainly understand.

But by the grace of God, I get that same fresh start every day. As the tune goes, "his mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning". Every day could be looked at with the same enthusiasm that we put into celebrating the new year. Praise God for second chances and fresh beginnings, and pray for blessings as we embark into 2007.

Happy New Year!

Twas the Night Before Christmas

2006-12-24T23:27:00.000-06:00

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through my house
Every creature was stirring
Let's assume there's no mouse
All our stockings were hung
By our fake tree with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas
Soon would be there
Just one little problem
With that simple plan
In the Taylor house
St. Nick isn't one man
But rather each member
Of our family
Will sneak in tonight
Past our glowing tree
To deposit their gifts
In each oversized sock
At one, maybe two
Or even three o'clock
The problem right now
Is everyone's awake
Mom's in the kitchen
And just starting to bake
Cornbread for the best
Dressing I've ever had
And in the living room
You'll find my dear Dad
In his chair reclined
In some soporic state
Watching tv through eyelids
Since sleep won't abate
Emily's flitting around
With energy unending
Doing who knows what
Besides to sleep surrendering
So I'm sitting here waiting
For my turn as a St. Nick
Growing impatient
And getting drowsy quick
So here's a Christmas poem
Straight out of my head
Merry Christmas to all
Will you please go to bed!

Faith is . . .

2006-12-21T22:27:00.000-06:00

Do you ever have things that deep down inside you know, you just never had a cognizant realization of that knowledge? Until one day, something jars that knowledge out of the dark recesses of your mind and presents itself as something new that somehow you knew all along?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm going to the Bronx this summer. This location was not at the top of my list or really on my radar for the most part. I knew the option was there for my internship, but hadn't really given it much thought. But it seems that God, who has been presenting me with a number of doors and has systematically been closing them one after another, may have been trying to get me there all along.

I'll be honest with you, dear anonymous reader. my first reaction to the idea of going to the Bronx was to slam on the brakes. There was this resistance to the idea that I can only attribute to . . . fear I guess. It seems silly and childish to admit that now, but there was something so intimidating to me about the Bronx and the work I'll be doing there. But nothing that intimidated me was anything that mattered, and I have decided that I don't want fear to be the reason I don't do something, especially something this eternally important.

After I made the decision to go, someone said something to me about my faith and I thought "Faith? This doesn't feel like faith." And I had a moment where I wondered how I could say that I had faith if I was so quick to doubt God's role in my life and His guidance.

Then the light broke through. Faith isn't never doubting - it's never letting your doubts take the wheel. I started thinking about the "heroes of faith" in Hebrews 11. Abraham doubted so much that he had Sarah pretend to be his sister for fear of his own life. Did he doubt? You bet he did! But he followed and believed none the less, and it was "credited to him as righteousness".

It's simplistic, I know. But it's amazing how easy it is to complicate yourself into a corner.

And if I had any doubts about what God was trying to teach me through all of this, since that little realization of what I've known all along, the things that were so intimidating haven't even come to mind. Instead they've been replaced with the excitement and plans that they were holding back. God has something planned for my summer that I didn't see coming. There are a lot of things I still don't know, but right now they don't seem very important at all.

In truth, the only thing I can know for sure is that God is faithful, slow to anger and abounding in love. What else do I really need to know?

Change of Plans

2006-12-14T21:07:00.000-06:00

Occasionally I wonder if God likes to change plans on me simply because I like to plan. Planning is a comfort thing for me, a control thing, as I suppose it is for a lot of people. I used to get really bent out of shape when things didn't go as planned. I've come a LONG way in the past few years. Still though, I can't say that having my plans change on my suddenly is my favorite.

I was planning on going to Milan this summer to intern under some missionaries there. My friend who was going with me and I had began picking up materials to learn Italian, looking at maps, and making travel plans. And then . . . the Milan trip was no more. Bummer.

I am still interning this summer. The only problem is now I have approximately 8 hours to decide which of my many options of destinations I'll be headed off to. Dublin? Amsterdam? Bristol? The Bronx? I DON'T KNOW. And I'm swiftly running out of time in which to decide.

What makes it so hard is that they are all good locations. If I go with a mind and heart devoted to God's service God will be glorified by what I do there. I would personally grow in any of these locations. But which one?

I'm meeting Ben tomorrow at lunch to decide where we are going so we can pick up supplies for our fundraising letters. I have no idea where I'm going to end up. At this point, I'm just praying for a poke, a prod, or a shove in any direction. And for God's guidance in this whole process.

Stress!

2006-12-02T13:12:00.000-06:00

Stress fracture. Apparently you can get them from being on your feet for five consistent hours hauling fifty pound bags of potatoes, heavy boxes of groceries, and doing it all in a hurry. I find the name really ironic, considering the amount of stress I've been under and the amount of stress this little ailment has caused me.

The prognosis: crutches. Oh joy. I'm enough of a hazard on two good legs; adding two more is not really helping. I've already busted it once on the asphalt outside my dorm. I was on my way to work and I just sat there a second, repairing what was left of my dignity and trying not to cry tears of sheer frustration. This crutches are seriously impairing my life, and my Christmas shopping plans!

I really shouldn't complain. For spinning the roulette wheel of possible injuries, this one is pretty minor. My chic and stylish walking boot should be in by Monday or Tuesday and I'll only have to wear it for a couple of weeks. It's not a cast so I don't have to do the whole trash-bag-in-the-shower thing. And the doctor could tell what it was without making me get a $400 x-ray that I couldn't afford.

Possibly the thing I hate most about the crutches, besides the fact that the rest of me hurts more from the crutches than my foot ever did, is that there is no way to be inconspicuous. I walked into church on Wednesday and the questions began. I am so thankful that I have friends and church family who care enough to ask what happened. But I have to be honest, the 18 millionth person to ask me could probably tell how frustrated I was getting.

I do have to say that my favorite question since the crutch acquisition is this:
Inquisitive friend: "Are you hurt?"
Me: "Oh no, I just thought the crutches went well with my outfit today.

As someone pointed out to me, the "good" thing about being on crutches is that people open doors and carry stuff for you. Now I'd rather not be an imposition - I'd rather be doing things for people than need people to do things for me. But I did have the nicest thing done for me yesterday. It's made me smile ever since.

I was meeting up with a friend of mine - he and I had a luncheon to go to that ended up being all the way across campus. We were walking that direction, or rather he was walking at the pace of my hobbling. I stopped to catch my breathe and he asked if he could carry anything for me. I told him I'd appreciate it if he'd carry my coat 'cause I was burning up. His next question: Are you sure you don't want me to carry your purse?"

And so, my friend, the guy, carried my purse and my coat all the way across campus. How sweet is that?!?!?

Well, I've got Christmas stuff to do, and I've got to see if someone wants to go shopping with me 'cause much to my chagrin I can't pick things out for people when I don't have a free hand to carry them with. Three more days 'til my walking boot gets here. I can make it.

I think.

Thanksgiving Top Ten

2006-11-26T00:28:00.000-06:00

Here is a list of my top ten favorite things about this Thanksgiving Break.

1. My cousin Jera being baptized on Thanksgiving Day

2. Watching my cousin Marshall play with his kids with toys we played with when we were that age

3. The detour I had to take on my way home. Definitely out of my way, but the scenery was gorgeous!

4. Pumpkin Pie

5. Theological discussions with my Dad over Chick fil a breakfast, one of our traditions.

6. Getting up early, fighting the crowds, standing in ridiculously long lines, and participating in the long standing Taylor women tradition of day after Thanksgiving marathon shopping with Mom

7. A very highly competitive game of Spoons with cousins and laughing so hard I literally couldn't get a breath

8. Realizing that it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

9. Talking for hours with my amazing sister about life, boys, school, and all related craziness

10. Knowing that no matter how much things change and how crazy life gets, being with family is coming home. And that is a lot to be thankful for.

More Precious that Ruby

2006-11-19T20:31:00.000-06:00

I met the most beautiful woman this weekend. The town of Luther, OK has a treasure like few I've seen elsewhere. I was there with a group doing some community service at the local community center. It's run by this crazy amazing woman names Ms. Ruby whose goodness knows how old and a pretty good picture of how I want to be when I'm that age.

To begin with, I want to have enough energy to tell a group of college kids to hurry up 'cause their working too slow. And to be able to get away with being that much of a smart alec. Ms. Ruby runs a food bank and consignment store in a very very poor community. And she basically does it single-handedly - there are a few people that work for her, but no one on a consistent basis. Our group was there helping her put together Thanksgiving baskets for needy members of the community. She's been hustling around soliciting donations and buying groceries for weeks had a lot of boxes for us to pack.

But here's what touches me so much when I think of Ms. Ruby. I spent a few minutes talking to her about the work of the church and the center. In short, they work with difficult people, with the people that most parts of "respectable" society don't want to deal with. And every action she makes radiates God. Her love of people shines through everything that she does. She may give you a bad time or pick on you a bit, but you never for a moment doubt that she cares about who you are and what you need. This is my second year to get to work with her, and I never fail to be amazed by how strong the Spirit is in her.

I met the most beautiful woman this weekend. She's in her upper seventies. Her face is lined from a little bit of worry and a lot of laughter. She's not wearing any makeup. Her long gray hair was probably in a neat bun at one point but has long since fallen into a state of disarray. Her big sweartshirt is stained. And she is one of the most gorgeous women I have ever seen.

brown around the edges

2006-11-14T22:19:00.000-06:00

It's the time of year when the world starts to turn brown around the edges. Outside my room, trees that have held out this long are beginning to show signs of fatigue. Curling and brittle, the leaves are loosed almost as if the tree was tired of holding them. Tonight as I drove home the leaves blowing past my windshield bore testament to the changing seasons, as much as the gusts predict the forty degree drop in temperature awaiting me when I wake in the morning.

Fall is my favorite time of year. I love the first nip in the air and the images of family gatherings this time of year inevitable conjures from the smoke of fireplaces lit for the first time this season.

Yet at the moment I find that the weather mirrors my mood, or perhaps the other way around. It's crunch time for more than the leaves on the sidewalk outside. My to do list and homework seem interminable and looking at it right now leaves me more discouraged and less motivated by the moment. There are officially five school days until Thanksgiving break and that fact is currently serving as my happy thought. What I'm not as confident of is how I'm going to make it through these particular five days.

I know I'm not alone. This time of year is crazy for everyone. I just happen to be feeling the strain particularly strongly at the moment. Right now, I'd like nothing more than to shed the leaves of tests, projects, responsibilities, papers, events, and to do lists and do a little hibernating of my own. Maybe after Thanksgiving. . . .

To Do List

2006-10-29T20:41:00.000-06:00

I'm a chronic list maker. A few years ago I made what I refer to as my Life List - all the things I want to do in the short time that I'm on this rock. Lately I've made several referrences to it, so I thought it was about time to revisit my list and see if I've made any progress since the last time I looked at it. Some of the things are important, some about as trivial as you get. But all are things I want to do eventually, for one reason or another. Life is short - I'd better get moving.

Amanda's Life List

1. Read the Bible cover to cover
2. Climb an official mountain
3. Visit all seven continents
4. Ride a motorcycle
5. Become fluent in another language
6. Figure out which seas are the "seven seas" and visit all of them
7. Learn to swing dance
8. Take a road trip from the Atlantic to the Pacific (or vice versa)
9. Get something published
10. Be an extra in a movie, especially if I get to be listed as "Angry woman #2" or something
like that
11. Learn to play an instrument
12. Sleep outside under the stars
13. Go skydiving
14. Learn to start a fire with no matches - you never know when that could come in handy
15. Swim with dolphins
16, Start my own non-profit and make a difference to somebody

This list is not comprehensive. There are thiings I can't remember right now and things that i'll think of later. But these are things that I want to accomplish. Some of them are things I've always wanted to do; some of them are things I'm scared to do, which is all the more reason to do them. But I've only got so long to do things, and to make my life mean something. Life isn't something that will start tomorrow or when I graduate. Life is right now. The real question is: Am I really living it?

Just to hear his voice.

2006-10-19T21:36:00.000-05:00

My mom told me something tonight that just about broke my heart. I'm home for the weekend and she was catching me up on all the goings on with the family and how everyone was doing. It was just about all good news, but this got to me.

My grandfather died last February. My grandmother is an amazingly strong woman and has been doing the best she can. She hides it most of the time, but occasionally you catch a glimpse past her smile to the heart you can tell is still broken. My dad found out the other day that she has continued paying my grandfather's expensive cell phone bill all this time so she can call and listen to his voice on the message recorder. And the thing is, it's not even a long message. Its the automated one where all you do is fill in the blank with your name. So she's been calling his phone all this time to hear him say "Don Taylor".

When Mom told me this I just started to cry. It's so sweet and so sad that it just about kills me to think of my grandmother sitting around the house by herself working through one day at a time without the man she's woken up next to for over fifty years.

And then I think: I want to love somebody that much someday. I want so much to give someone that kind of love, love that will do everything it can to hold on, even to just a couple of seconds of his voice. Lord knows it won't be easy. My grandfather could be a horribly difficult person to live with. But to grow into a love like that will be worth all the blood, sweat, and tears that it takes. Maybe someday I'll be that lucky.

And one to grow on

2006-10-11T22:30:00.000-05:00

Well, I am officially not a teenager anymore. It's about time. It's kind of funny. I'm finally starting to feel like my biological age is catching up to my mental one. It's probably a combination of being what my mom refers to as an "old soul" (in a completely non Hippie or reincarnational sense, in case there is any confusion on that point) and possibly the majority of my friends being older than me. Half of me wanted to think today, "Twenty? That's it?"

Today contained more birthday cheer than I expected, to tell you the truth. So at 11:27, one huge piece of birthday cake, five lit candles, three yellow roses, three new books, one sweet John Wayne postcard, four mixed CD's, one nice shirt, 40 Facebook wall postings, eight games of Nertz, twenty dollars to Sonic for diet Cherry cokes, and many such other delightful birthday surprises later, I am quite content and feeling very blessed.

Me turning 20 isn't weird to me at all, but my sister turning 16 on Monday definitely is. There is not way that she is old enough to drive - or date for that matter. Which will be interesting. She is gorgeous and smart and a great deal more gregarious than I ever was. So while my parents didn't have to deal with me going on dates as I never got asked out on any, it happens a good deal more often for Emily. She's got a good head on her shoulders though.

Well, it's back to reality now. I've got a paper to finish, my Stat homework to do, a marketing write up, and a chapter to read. All before I hit the sack tonight, so I'd better get crackin' before I hit panic mode. But today was amazing, and no amount of homework change that. : )

He Knows Just What I Need

2006-09-26T22:13:00.000-05:00

I've been fighting discouragement a bit lately. It seems a little silly to admit, as nothing in my life has been going that badly. Maybe it's that it hasn't been going the exact way I wanted it to. I don't know. All I know is that I've had a hard time lately keeping a positive outlook on things that I've been working on or involved in.

I'm typically a glass half full person, so this is out of the ordinary for me. But the amazing thing has been that EVERY time recently that I've been down, there has been some sort of immediate affirmation that I'm doing the right thing or in the right place. And I do mean immediate. As in within a few minutes of me praying for strength or encouragement. I don't believe in coincidences - not like this.

One day I was really down and about to throw myself a pity party. And I was pulling out all the stops; I had streamers and balloons and everything. I was feeling very . . . alone, I guess. I sat down to pray and while I was praying for help and encouragement my phone rang. When I hung up the phone I immediately teared up. Not because of the call - the call completely reversed my dreary day. I teared up because I was a little overwhelmed by how good God is to me. And I've felt that way over and over again this past couple of weeks. It's like God's been saying, "Things are not always going to be easy or fun. But you are in this place and doing these things for a reason. And I am with you always."

As I sat there that afternoon in completely humble gratitude, all I could think of was the words to an old church song: "He knows just what I need. Oh yes, He knows just what I need. He satisfies, and every need provides. Yes he knows just what I need."

Quality Questions

2006-09-13T22:27:00.000-05:00

I got asked a good question tonight. I was giving a friend of mine, Sarah, a ride to church and when she got in the car, she asked me how my day was. Now we ask this question all the time, usually without thinking about it. And frankly, we're surprised if someone answers with something other than "good" or "fine". It's almost a faux pas. So, equally without thinking, I answered "Good!"

What she said next was the good question I referred to. Her response? "I'm glad! What made it good?"

It was at that moment that I realized how little I'd thought about my own answer, and I found myself scrambling to justify it. Now I really did have a good day today. But for a couple of seconds I really had to think about what it was that made it good. And in doing so I discovered a couple of really good things that happened today that I had taken for granted.

I met a lot of people this past weekend. We had our church retreat, and I made it a point to at least meet as many people as possible. And I met a good many, the above friend included. And there is nothing wrong with that at all - we're called to reach out and include others. But my friend today, in the simplest way possible, taught me the difference between introducing myself in people and investing in people. Her question was inviting, and I felt like she really wanted to hear about my day. That's how I want people to feel when I talk to them.

So thanks, Sarah, for your question that made me keep questioning.

One Week Down . . .

2006-09-03T20:58:00.000-05:00

As I sit here tonight, marvelously procrastinating on the pile of homework that hasn't moved since Friday afternoon, I feel a huge sense of relief that I've got the first week of school under my belt. It was a really long week, and eventful to say the least.

For one, the social club pledging process started this week, leaving me no choice but to finally make a decision about my own participation in the process. After much debate, discussion, and a ton of prayer, I decided that it's not for me. I have absolutely no problem with social clubs; I just don't think it's my thing. And with some opportunities that have come up in the past few months for me to minister on campus and at church, I really feel like God is calling me to use my time differently this year.

It was one of those things were all the stress and angst regarding the decision completely disappear once it is made. There are going to be some things that I'm definitely going to miss out on, but I have a tremendous and unexplainable amount of peace regarding the direction my life is headed. Well, at the moment anyway. And peace is an amazing thing.

My roommate situation was basically chaos for the first week. I'll spare you, anonymous reader, the aggravating details - we'll suffice it to say that I just finished moving into my room TODAY. I've been living out of suitcases and boxes for a week with no place to hang the proverbial hat, and not having a place of my own to relax in this week was definitely adding to the overall stress level.

It was one of those weeks where it seemed I was suddenly up a creek sans paddle and I didn't remember getting into the boat.

The aforementioned pile of homework is still there, and I don't think it's going anywhere on its own. So with excitement (our campus ministry retreat) and apprehension (statistics) I'm heading off to tackle the next week. And to pray that that peace continues. I may need some calm in the storm.

The Real Deal

2006-08-21T15:26:00.000-05:00

I have heard my share of anti-Christian college speeches, especially in the past few years. According to some, I took the "easy way" by going to a Christian college. In a state school, you have to be real about your faith. You're confronted every day by people who not only disagree with you, but really oppose what you believe. You grow so much from the discussions that you have with people from different backgrounds. It makes you more open minded and you have to become strong in your faith because you have to stand in the world every day. Besides, Christian colleges are hypocritical and pretentious.

All of that is true. Even the hypocritical and pretentious part.

What gets to me is those that insinuate Christian colleges have the corner of the market on hypocrisy and that state schools is where you will find the truly genuine, battle hardened Christians. I have ABSOLUTELY nothing against state schools at all. I know that I would grow greatly from the challenge, and I did consider non C of C schools. Not being in one now, I cannot speak from that perspective. But I can speak from the other side of the fence.

It is so easy to talk the Christian talk. Hang around any church for long enough and you figure out the "correct" answers to the questions. Surface level faith is easy to sustain and easy to project - until you're challenged with something that shallow faith can't handle. This is why Christian schools get the rep for hypocrisy. People can tell; most people can spot a phony from miles away, even if they can't identify the fakeness as what they don't like. And you can find plenty of fakers at Christian schools. But I have a question . . .

Isn't it a struggle also to be genuine in a place where you can get by with being fake?

Maybe us Christian college kids aren't have such as "easy" time as people think. Sheltered from the world? Absolutely. But separate from the world? Unaware of the world? Unchallenged by the world? Hardly.

I'm not happy with status quo. I don't want to be satisfied with my faith. I don't want to be some sort of poster child for Christianity - happy, smiling, nary a care. I want three dimensional faith. So I have to constantly fight against the tendency to let things ride, to let my growth plateau, to be simply getting by.

God made it pretty clear how he feels about lukewarm Christians. In fact, I'm not sure he could have made it any more clear. God basically said that with him you're either all in or you are out. And what better way for Satan to incompacitate the Church! He's smart enough to know that the obvious attacks aren't always the most effective. Why not simply encourage people to think that their faith is good enough, that they are strong enough. It's sneaky and scary and terribly effective.

I head back to school in a couple of days. And if I'm known for anything this year, I want it to be for being genuine. No one else may notice a change. But I like the way Mother Teresa put it: "In the end, it's between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

The End of an Era

2006-08-13T18:47:00.000-05:00

It is the end of an era. Almost exactly a year ago I said a sad goodbye to my car. Not that it wasn't time for it to go. Even then, it was hard to say good bye to my '91 Ford Crown Victoria (if you don't know what that is, just picture a big white shoebox with wheels - the thing was a land yacht). But all good things must come to an end, and it was going to fall apart any day.

So my parents made the executive decision to send me to college sans transportation. For the record, I was not a big supporter of the decision, but I was overruled. So as my parents pulled out of the dorm parking lot, I had the sinking realization that I'd better get accustomed to asking for rides. 'Cause these shoes aren't made for walking.

But not anymore. Last Wednesday, my parents purchased a 2000 Mitsubishi Galant for me. I start payments on it next month per our arrangement. My uncle found it for me for a terrific price and my dad bought it on the spot without me even seeing it first. I've gotta admit, I was a little aprehensive. But the car is fantastic - 25 miles per gallon, air conditioning, power everthing, cd player, sunroof . . . a ton of amenities I never expected to get. And even though it had 119k miles on it, it's got 60 to 80k or more left on it.

So I am once again the proud owner of a vehicle. No more Saturday night calls to try to get a ride to church the next day. No more timing my errands with my roommate's. No more feeling like an inconvenience. Now, I get to be the one offering rides and picking people up for church, perfect timing since I'm co-leading a visitor connection and follow up ministry at church.

I've learned a lot from not having a car. For one, I had to get over the idea that I was somehow entitled to have one. I also had to learn to deal with being dependent of other people for getting places I needed to be. It's good for your pride to have to ask for help - it takes it down a couple of notches. And the experience has left me eager to help people who find themselves in the same one. It's just one more example of God at work on me.

So in a couple of weeks (which is about two weeks too long) I'll be cruising back to Abilene, windows down, sunroof open, sunglasses on, singing at the top of my lungs with a grin on my face - and thanking God for being as good as He is.

Role Rehearsal

2006-07-22T21:43:00.001-05:00

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women, merely players.

They have their entrances and their exits.

And one man in his lifetime plays many parts"

-from As You Like It

Theatre holds a special place in my life. I guess I've always loved the irony - how an activity in which you spend your time pretending to be someone else can help you learn so much about yourself. Though a part of my past, lines and lessons from my short-lived thespian career resurface with remarkable clarity and relevance.

If "all the world's a stage", I'm standing in the wings, toes on the edge of the line between the stagelights and the shadows behind me. My cue is next. There's just one little catch. The script in my hand, it's not finished. The next page is blank, and instead of finding my next line, the text appears only as I begin to speak. So there's my cue, and the next line of script is entirely up to me. Life is improv, and I never felt like improv was my strong suit.

I'm in the midst of an ongoing character study of my own at the moment. Directors want to you know what motivates your character. What motivates me? Am I driven by a desire to serve God or serve myself. If my actions are good, does my motivation match? What makes up who I am? And more importantly, what do I do with it?

I was cleaning out some keepsakes recently and was reminded yet again of all the people in my life who have had "their entrances and their exits." Most people don't realize how powerful these are, but the way you exit or enter the stage defines to a great extent how your character is viewed. The action of the script is obviously the bulk of your perception. But it is decisive defining moments of beginnings and endings that create impressions we don't soon forget. Bittersweet or blissful, happy or humerous, awe-inspiring or awful, I can't even begin to list the entrances and exits that have shaped me.

"One man in his lifetime plays many parts". Many of these parts for me are repeat performances. Friend, sister, colleague, partner in crime, confidant, caretaker. But some of the biggest roles of my life are constantly developing or still on the ever nearing horizon. God willing, wife and mother will be roles I will one day take on. But the biggest role is ever before me: my role as a Christian woman. Through His wisdom and grace God has placed before my amazing examples to emulate, certainly beginning with my amazing Mom. But my role is my own, I define it and I must play it with all of my heart. Even if that means learning along the way by some painful trial and error. I was always taught by my directors that for an actor to be believable, he must be fully devoted to the character and what the role requires. As a Christian it is no different. If I want to leave the stage having made an impact, I have to give all of myself into every role that I play.

"All the world's a stage"

Play on.

Fence Sitters

2006-07-16T14:12:00.000-05:00

I'd just like to leave these brilliant words about Christ by CS Lewis from Mere Christianity.

"I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: 'I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God." That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic-on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg-or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse. You can shut him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill him as a demon; or you can fall at his feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonesense about His being a great moral teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to."

Footsteps to Fill

2006-07-07T22:57:00.000-05:00

Ever had a verse hop right out of your Bible and smack you right between the eyes? I John 2:6 did that to me the other night. I've read it so many times over the course of the years, but I've been thinking about this verse for days now.

"Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did." What does that really mean? Where did Christ's feet take him?

> His feet took him out to the wilderness to go head to head with Satan. He allowed the Spirit to lead him to a place he did not want to be to fight the same battle we fight everyday. Matt 4:1-11
> His feet took him back to his hometown, where he was rejected by his friends and neighbors, the people he grew up with, for following his calling from God. - Luke 4:14-30
> His feet took him to the homes of those society didn't want to deal with, to the homes of thieves, liars, and petty criminals. Because "it is not the healthy who need a doctor but the sick" -Luke 5:27-32
> His feet took him to solitary places, when the demands of the crowd became too much. Mark 1:35-39
> His feet took him to the temple, to face hostile Pharisees plotting not just to get rid of him, but to get rid of him for good. Luke 19:45-48
> His feet took him to his friends in Gethsemane, under enough duress to sweat red, only to find his friends could not even stay awake to be with him. Mark 14:32-42
> His feet took him up Calvary, giving all of himself for the good of all, those who would accept him as well as those who would reject him. He died for those crying at his feet as well as those spitting on them.

It's an intimidating list. Christ walked some places that I do not want to go. I don't want to be rejected by people I love, associated with those society looks down upon, empty myself for people who don't appreciate it, deal with opposition on a daily basis, or face loneliness so real it hurts.

But the sheer fact that Christ walked there first makes it possible for me to walk there too. Because he walks it with me. And it's time for me to stop being so scared of what God is calling me to, because he is not calling me to anything that he has not already equipped me to do. We serve a God who is "able to do immeasureably more than we can ask or imagine". When he give our worries to him he provides the "peace of God which transcends all understanding". I can't get my little mind wrapped around how big God is. And it awes me to think of the power that is at my disposal to conquer the things that oppose me.

So now the ball is in my court. Do I play it safe? Or do I step out and take the path that's in front of me. The choice is mine. And it's yours too.

It just goes to show. . .

2006-06-21T21:39:00.000-05:00

I was driving yesterday in the same part of Dallas where I got lost last time. I had directions from a friend at the office and to get there to my destination, I had to take all the roads that I drove in circles the week before. It turns out, the place where I pulled over to call for help was LITERALLY right around the corner from the office. It just goes to show, most of the time what you're looking for really is right in front of you. . . .

Flashbacks

2006-06-12T22:05:00.000-05:00

We all have moments, pleasant or painful, that take us right back to our childhood. I had one such moment this morning.

As part of my new job, I'm going to be doing a lot of driving in the Dallas and Desoto area. I don't have a whole lot of experience driving in that part of Texas, but I have a Mapsco and a good sense of direction. This morning I had my first meeting with the Regional Director. I left myself about 20 extra minutes so I'd be there in plenty of time in case traffic was backed up. I hopped in the truck, popped in some music, filled up the tank, and I was on my way.

At 9:30, the time my appointment was supposed to start, I couldn't have told you where I was to save my life. Apparently the street I was on changed names, so instead of following it when if veered to the left, I went right. Somehow I ended up in an alley behind a hospital, and In trying to get out of there, I ended up in a maze of one way streets that made me feel a little bit like a mouse in a maze. And the cheese was not getting any closer. I kept trying to pull over so I could check the map but much to my chagrin there is no place to park in that part of town. I FINALLY found a place to park outside a club in Deep Ellum. I picked up the Mapsco and my phone and called my dad. And bawled. Sitting there in the truck in my business professional attire in the middle of downtown Dallas with my meeting notes and portfolio, I sat sobbing with mascara running down my face. Let's suffice it to say that it was not my most grown up moment.

And suddenly I was four years old again, and I'd lost my mom in Albertsons. Panicing and lost, I didn't start to cry until I'd found her again. And that's how I felt today. Four years old and lost in the grocery store. I did eventually get there, embarrassed to say the least, particularly as I was already conscientous of my somewhat less than advanced age in comparison to the people I was meeting with. She did tell me that she's had board members get lost trying. It probably should have made me feel better, but it didn't negate the fact that I had gotten lost.

I'm not sure what bothered me the most. Feeling like a very small fish in a very big pond. Feeling like a country bumpkin in the big city for the first time. Feeling remarkably alone. Or feeling dependent.

At this point in my life, I think the underriding goal of much that I do is to be as independent as possible. I'm paying for college almost 100% by myself, with the help of scholarships, grants and loans. If I need something, I"ll do what I need to get it. If I don't understand something, I'll work at it until I do.

I've been wondering a lot laterly what affect this drive for independence has on my walk with God. When I step back and look at myself, I think most of my drive comes from fear. Dependence is scary. I means relinquishing control. It means letting someone else steer a bit. It means letting yourself be vulnerable. What is so entirely irrational about my fear of dependence when it comes to God is that he is the only one who will never let me down. And the only way that I'm going to achieve true independence, from guilt, from fear, from everything that ties me down, is to lose myself completely in the One who is powerful enough to take it all away. I think it's time for me to put down my map and let Him steer.

Mavericks

2006-06-03T22:29:00.000-05:00

So tonight, as I stood in front of the radio with my fist in my mouth listening to the last minute and forty-five seconds of the Mavericks game (I'm one of the cool kids who doesn't have cable), I realized: I have now officially become a sports fan. A small step for many, but a giant leap for me and my long history of being athletically challenged. Couple that with my foreknowledge of my occupation for this coming Thursday evening, and life as a sports fan is a whole new ballgame.

Stuck in the Middle

2006-06-02T19:31:00.000-05:00

Well, my first year of college is officially over now. It's funny. It feels like it was five years ago when I graduated from high school, but five weeks ago when I started college. I guess, or rather I know, that's mostly due to the amount of change that's occured in my life in the past 365 days or so. I've started a whole new life that's radically different than my old one. And I love it.

It feels like all the changing I've gone through has made me into a different, new and improved version of myself. And I'm incredibly thankful, 'cause I like this version a whole lot more than the one I moved to Abilene as. And the thought of that evolution continuing for the rest of my life is one of the most terrifying and fascinated aspects of being human. It's like with my relationship with God. No matter how hard I study for the rest of my life, I will never come close to almost remotely understanding God in the vaguest of senses. And that simple fact could serve as discouragement if I let my goal-oriented , type-A personality hold the reins. But when I put my checklist and planner down and think about it, how incredible is it that I get to spend my entire life growing ever closer to my Father with the marvelous anticipation of one day knowing him fully.

All that is to say that I feel completely different then when I left home for the first time. As I should. But now I'm back at home for a couple of months, and I've got the exciting assignment of trying to find my place in the puzzle now that the shape of my puzzle piece has changed. My family is as wonderful as ever, and I'm glad to see all of the people that I miss when I'm away. But things are different just the same.

I spent most of today doing nothing and feeling like I'm floating around in a semi-permanent state of limbo. I don't start work until next week, and at the moment I'm generally lacking in direction. And while I'm seeing people I've missed, I'm missing people I'm not seeing.
So that's me today. Stuck in the middle. Between dependent and independent. Between woman and girl. Between here and there. A wise person once told me, "They call it the meantime because it's not nice." I think I know exactly what he means.